A Burley Drama

Scene: Sunday afternoon, April 5

5:50 pm - Daddy kisses the girls goodbye on the way out the door to Student Choir practice. Daddy tells Mommy he'll text as soon as the youth decide where they want to eat after practice so 3 year old and Mommy can meet them all there.

6:00 pm - 3 year old asks to go outside and blow bubbles. Good mommy smiles sweetly and says sure. Mommy and daughter exit to the backyard.

6:05 pm - Mommy realizes she should probably get her cell phone so she'll get Daddy's text and know when we should start getting ready.

6:05 and 30 seconds - Try to go back inside and realize the door is locked. Annoyed Mommy thinks to self, "Are you kidding me?"

6:06 pm: Mommy, with nose pressed firmly against the back door glass, gazes longingly at cell phone which is sitting within sight on the coffee table.

6:07 - 6:15 pm - Mommy walks back and forth between the front door and back door turning the handles over and over again as if they will somehow miraculously unlock. Consider going to the next door neighbors' house to ask to use their phone but realize I just woke up from a nap, haven't brushed my hair, am wearing pajama pants and am barefoot. Decide this isn't the best way to introduce myself to the neighbors.

6:16 pm - Determine this isn't so bad. We'll sit here for an hour and surely Daddy will come home to check on us before he goes to eat when Mommy doesn't answer texts or calls.

6:17 pm - 3 year old delivers this line, "Mommy, I have to poopie." Panicked Mommy declares she can hold it.

6:18 pm - Go back to the front of the house to check under the mat for an extra key that I know is not there.

6:19 pm - Head back to the deck, round the corner of the house, and hear the 3 year old declare more words about the poopie situation that I will not repeat here but that lets Mommy know immediate action must be taken.

6:20 pm - Go under the deck, order her to squat and go on the ground. Disgusted Mommy thinks, "This cannot be happening. Oh, please Lord, do not let the neighbors see us!"

6:21 pm - Child poops in my backyard, it isn't pretty, use her p-an*nties to wipe her, throw them away in the dumpster, and wash my hands with the bubbles that started this whole fiasco. Refuse to go to the spigot at the back of the house to wash my hands because there was a dead bird there last week.

6:25 pm - 6:45 pm - swing, slide, blow bubbles, spill bubbles, play Cinderella, play pirates, sing, and talk about school.

6:46 pm - Start gazing longingly at the phone once again hoping someone will call soon.

Somewhere before 7:00 - see the phone light up, so I know either Daddy or one of the youth is trying to make contact. Sit back down to play a little longer, assured Daddy will be home soon.

7:15 pm - No Daddy. Hoping practice is just running a little late. Try the door once more and hear 3 year old say behind me, "Mommy, the door is locked" with that "duuhhh" quality to her voice.

7:20 pm - 3 year old delivers her next line with assurance in her voice: "Mommy, I've got to pee pee." Squat in the yard once again, say another prayer that the neighbors are blinded to our activity, and feel assured we are ready for any future summer camp experiences.

7:25 pm - Begin to lose hope that someone will come to check on us before they go to the restaurant. Annoyed Mommy is appearing. 3 year old is starting to ask to go inside.

7:35 pm - Start to wonder what they are eating tonight because surely they have gone without us.

7:40 pm - Start to wonder how long dinner will last tonight because all the youth are on Spring Break and wouldn't necessarily have to be home early.

8:00 pm - Back door swings open and panicked Daddy is standing there wondering what happened to us. He figured Mommy decided not to go after all (since Mommy does this sometimes) or that Mommy left her phone in a place where she couldn't hear it (since Mommy does this a lot) and was quite worried when he came home, saw the car still in the garage, all the lights out in the house, and couldn't find anyone anywhere.

8:02 pm - Exasperated Mommy says, "We've been locked out since 6:00, so obviously we've been right HERE!" For emphasis, Mommy very deliberately points finger downward as she emphatically delivers the word HERE, therefore whacking the 3 year old in the top of the head because I didn't realize she was standing right beside me.

8:03 - Worried Daddy, exasperated Mommy, and crying 3 year old enter house.

The End